Closing one chapter and opening a new one....

2009

It has been a tough year. Full of many lessons and opportunities for growth. I have been looking foward to beginning a new one for some now. Have felt as though if I could just make it past this point, then I could truly put it behind me and move on. It sounds like a wonderful plan, leaving the past in the past and starting over fresh. The reality, though, is the last year and its circumstances have shaped me, molded me into a stronger person. It has changed my faith, humbled me, taken me through some of my deepest fears. And here I stand, at the end: stronger, humbled, bolder, and reminded of God's overwheming grace and mercy, thankful for His protection and provision.

As I enter into a new year, I want to take chances in life, love, friendship, and work. I want to seek the Lord and continue to grow in His ways, learning more and more. I want to paint, read, blog, run, try new hobbies, make new friends, and allow for new opportunities. I want to laugh often and loudly, cry when needed, take time for sunsets and sunrises, be suprised by the many wonders of the Lord, and leave room for living.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. "

Gifted

"All great achievements require time" ~Maya Angelou

I was gifted with a beautiful moment today, and was reminded that relationship is at the heart of trusting, growing, and healing. Without building a solid foundation, a healthy relationship will not, cannot grow....may I remember this as I continue to grow in my relationship with Christ, as a therapist, friend, daughter, sister, niece, and hopefully, someday, as a wife and mother.

Restless for change

I've been wondering lately...As much as I want a change, an adventure, I stay where I am, not moving toward the change I would like to see happen.I stay, yet my spirit continues in this restless state as I vascilitate between what I know, which is safe, and what could be. To make a change would require some effort, an effort I believe would be worth the risk. A few months ago, Ed spoke about not making a big decision when one is in a state of despondency. It has been a year full of despondency. Full of dissappoinment and tough lessons learned. I have hesitated to make a big change, to pursue something different, due to the fact that I know life in general has been challanging. Here I am, months and months later, and still disatisfied. Still restless. Still longing for something different. I have been praying, pondering, dreaming about this. Just when I begin to talk myself into staying and not pursuing change, I begin to feel an overwhelming sense that it is time to move on.
Restless heart, where will you go, when will take the chance you long for?

In Between the Seasons

In between the seasons, it might be sunny, may be grey
In between times that we will all have to face
In between the seasons
the choice is ours to make
will we wish our days away or hold onto our faith
we will find out what we're made of
In between the seasons
~Kurt Coffield~


I definitely feel as though I am in between the seasons, waiting for the next step, to discover the next piece of the puzzle. It is not a bad place, this between-ness that I am in. In some ways, it is a chance to breathe after a tough season, it is a place where I have been able to start dreaming again. A chance to regain my footing and embrace the future with a new perspective.I find myself dreaming of change, chance, and new beginnings...I am thankful for where I have been, where I am, where I am going and blessed by the in between.

Sweet Charlie

This week I said goodbye to a dear friend. A friend from the beginning, the middle and the end. She kept me company during adolescent summers, amused me with her antics, acted as a protector when needed, and offered comfort in times of sorrow.

I first met her sixteen years ago. She came to me at a time of transition. My family had just lost our home, lived in and out of many housed during that time. We had just settled into a small house on a friend's ranch.Her arrival, along with our time at the ranch house proved to be one of healing for me, as would the rest of our time together.

My mom came home with puppies and the excitement of puppies overcame me. Upon first sight, I was unsure of the need for a puppy. It seems that Charlie had become ill during the mountain ride between the office and home. After a bath, my mind was quickly changed...

From that time on, we were unseperable as only a girl and a dog can be. She accompanied me on horse rides, summer days, vacations, holidays, and eventually moved to San Diego to live. We went for long walks in the neighborhood, getting to know many of the neighbors, took multiple car rides back and forth to visit my ailing Grandmother, sitting nearby as she took her last breath. During her last year, she began to lose her sight, hearing, and at the end her balance. With the loss of these, she remained her dignity and grace, her sweet disposition continued to prevail.

It was apparent that she didn't have much longer with us, so we took the weekend and spent time with her, offering many pets, bellyrubs, and treats. Last Monday, we took her to the vet knowing it was "time" and dreading every moment of it. The vet gave us the option to stay with her or leave. After having been such a friend and companion, how could I leave my dear friend to face this most important life event alone. We sat together, crocodile tears falling to the ground, and said our goodbyes. Until at last, my friend closed her eyes and was gone......

Coming back after a year of Sundays

Its been some time since I've written. Many things have happened since I was last here. I feel, in many ways as if Iam a completely different person....I have sat with a woman on her death bed, counseled people through their grief, grew as therapist, left an organization I loved, graduated, gotten a promotion, finished two master's degrees, found new interests, made new friends, fallen in love, had my heart broken, had some intense talks with God about where I have been and where I will go, faced the reality that some dreams may not come true, have been blessed beyond belief with family and friends. Looking back, I feel as though I've had a lifetime of memories in the last year....Now, to move on, continue to grow, and write my many ponderings of life and situations.